The most annoying game of the year ends with a 5-3 loss to Rangers

If Kate’s decree as managing editor is to write the summary the game deserves, then that summary should be written in the voice of Steve Urkel. If you watched the game, you know that any time the sailors were on the board, a chorus of kids would shout “Hey, thumper, thumper, thumper,” nonstop. It was a metaphor for the entire game, which was one of the most annoying games of the season.

We should have known from the start, when the sailors were in good contact but nonetheless retired at seven pitches.

The Mariners were able to squeak in the second and fifth stages, on RBI singles from – from another – Sam Haggerty and Mitch Haniger, as well as scoring a third run in the sixth when Corey Seager raced to try and beat Julio, but got rid of him, allowing JP up. JP was at the base there for the third time today, hitting the ball hard three times, eventually going 2 for 4 with a doubling on the day. In Kimmy Gibbler’s baseball game, that’s enough to get him today a Sun Hat.

The rest of the Mariners’ crimes were marked by the loss of the opportunists, and the failure to take advantage of the five lanes given up by Martin Perez. Jar Jar Binks was a pitcher on the brand today as it took a zillion hours between pitches. At one point, it took more than 15 minutes to throw 23 throws. They put a little graphic with a ticking clock on the screen and everything. It was off-brand in that it was wild, but who cares – with home plate umpire calling out Jose Altoff’s strike zone all day long, no one had any way of knowing what was in the area anyway.

The Rangers recorded their runs in a similarly obnoxious fashion today. I wanted to dive deep into Logan Gilbert’s fainting in the second half, but since summarizing a game like this won’t get much traffic, we’ll save that for an appropriate article. Long story short, his break tools were fine today, capturing six puffs and five hits called blows on 32 slides and articulating curves he threw.

But the LoGi Bear Quickball has only two modes today: Meatballs and Dirty Joe.

If you search for it, you can actually find some edge tones

Even then, the Rangers had to put their five runs together, including one on Wild Ground and two in a Bertal sequence from Matt Brach and Eric Swanson that included a ball Just Out of Sam Haggerty’s reach who ultimately made the game out of reach as well. Poor Erik Swanson couldn’t escape today’s Comic Sans competition, taking three puffs over six pitches, but one of the other three ended here.

I don’t mean to be too frustrated. It’s not as if this portends a disaster. The Mariners went 3-3 a week, after all. It’s too bad that these last two games were just as hard to watch as the Kevin Hart ads they always play on MLB TV after the first half. Tomorrow we will see at least Luis Castillo.

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